Friday, 24 October 2014

Why You're an Idiot for Wanting Olivia With Jake on Scandal

I'm about to throw down some serious jam here.

Yes, jam.

The kind that is delicious and made of all kinds of often conflicting flavors, that when all mixed up taste...Like straight up HEAVEN. Like strawberry-rhubarb. BAM.

See, we here on E! Online's TV Scoop team don't always agree when it comes to the world's most important issues, and #1 on that list: Jake Vs. Fitz on Scandal.

You read our earlier story about Why You're an Idiot for Wanting Olivia with Fitz on Scandal, right? With the Fitz slams and the preposterous notion that jam is "weird"?! (Say what? Were you raised by wolves?)

CLICK: See if you agree with the best Scandal sex scene of all time...

Well, suffice to say that the writer of that very story and myself are no longer currently speaking, and I just submersed her stapler in some delicious VERMONT JAM, Dwight Schrute style.

I'm never going to say Fitz is perfect (truth told, in a perfect world, I think I'd actually opt for Olivia to keep her self-respecting badass self SINGLE!) but I also can't see how anyone who has watched this show since day one can possibly root for Jake over Fitz.

Fitz is the better choice.

Let me count the reasons for you:

1. Kerry Washington and Tony Goldwyn have the most breathtaking chemistry of any couple every on television.

2. Literally, when they are on screen together, something reaches through your TV screen, socks you in the gut and you CANNOT BREATHE. Time stands still and baby dolphins cry.

3. This has been scientifically proven. In a study I can't quite find right now but it totally exists.

4. HE WAS WILLING TO QUIT THE PRESIDENCY FOR HER. Sure, big ol' lame obstacles came in the way of that actually happening (this is TV!), but if you happen to know of a man who will give up being the leader of the free world for you, I say: Grab that jam jar with a vice grip, girl. Run, don't walk to that dream house in Ver mont!

5. I repeat: HE BUILT HER A DREAM HOUSE IN VERMONT. In related news, my husband accidentally glued the floor to the roof of a Gingerbread Haunted House last night. #truestory

6. Everyone loves Mellie, and you can't help but feel for her and want her to be happy. But is THIS the face of a happily married woman? #FREEMELLIE

7. If memory serves, Jake once slammed Olivia up against a wall with somewhat alarming force. I say this is a card-carrying Noel Crane uber-fan, who appeared in the Felicity finale just so I could stand next to him at an altar (#truestory): Abusive, overly aggressive or threatening men should NEVER be given  a second chance. Period. End of story. Even if they look like Scott Foley.

8.  (Wait, I take that one back. Felicity was INSANE.)

9. But Jake, like, killed people?

10. He also spent time in a B613 hole that could NOT have done any favors to his emotional well-being.

11. Jake says dirty stuff! And while, yes, that's sort of hot, I also just can't erase the notion that he's a super adorbs DAD in real life who cuddles with puppies. It just...Does. Not. Compute. Like watching Barney try to do a strip-tease. (Filing that away for role play fodder later on.)

12. When Fitz is with Olivia, he is a BETTER MAN and A BETTER PRESIDENT, which means that Olivia and Fitz being together (as opposed to him ugly-snot-crying over Scotch in the shower) is good for not only the approximately 316 million people who live in these great United States of America...but THE WORLD.

Top THAT, Jake fans!

Off to turn someone's desk upside-down...

Happy TGIF!

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